I Go to Church

Going to church is my favorite part of the week. I'm a comedian in Austin who enjoys drugs, alcohol and lesbian sex (not the porn but having it – I'm a lesbian. In fact I almost exclusively watch “man on man” porn and never ever watch “girl on girl.” Perhaps if someone actually made “woman on woman” 'nography I'd watch that.). I'm pro-abortion (for anyone who doesn't 100% want that kid) and pro-euthanasia. I believe in Climate Change. Actually, I may owe everyone an apology – I've been praying for warm weather every winter for years, so this one's my bad. Sorry to all the drought and tsunami victims - I just really hate wearing pants.

And I don't go to a UU church. I'm not talking about a white-people meditation group. I don't go to one of the attempts to get atheists to get together on a regular basis. I go to a Christian church. It's a gay Christian church, but it is Christian. A lot of the people there believe in the literal resurrection, almost everyone there believes “Jesus is magic,” and all of us believe Christ's message and that having Christianity in our lives makes us better, happier people.

Every week I get to sing, and sometimes there's even an alto part available. Where else in life would I get to harmonize with a hundred people? In Novembers I join the choir, so I can sing as much Christmas music as possible. Almost every week at church, I wind up crying once or twice, which helps my sinuses as well as being essential for someone like me who habitually wears eyeliner and almost never bothers to clean it off before bed. Also going to church means that, for at least an hour and a half every week, I contemplate being a better, kinder, more generous and forgiving person, and I listen to a sermon regarding such things.

Every week I sing, “and forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors,” and I try my darndest to mean that. (Pro-tip, get me to do you a favor or buy you a beer on a Saturday.)

Every week I join hands with my wife as well as whoever is on my right – someone who is often a stranger – as we listen to a prayer for guidance for our country's leaders and help for those who are suffering from poverty, from racism and all the phobias, from the ongoing and the latest conflicts and tragedies, many of which I'm hearing of for the first time, as my news sources and social media have failed to apprise me of them.

I tithe, and yes, some of that goes to my church, whether to pay the low salaries of the handful of employees or to keep the lights on etc. But those are all a collective good that I am happy to support. Much of the money from our tithes and offerings, though, goes to a rotation of charities, such as the Brown Paper Project, which provides meals every summer to those children who receive free lunches during the school year and whose need doesn't end with the end of the school year.

Since I began attending this church, not only do I give more money via tithes and offerings to charitable causes than I ever had before, I've also participated in an AIDS walk, helped to organize a drive for the Bastrop flood victims, and bought Christmas and Easter gifts for kids in need. I know a lot of non-church-goers mean well, but it's hard to get around to doing such things when you don't regularly attend a group that organizes them.

Church is also the most diverse community I encounter, which is particularly important to me as I live in Austin, which among other diversity issues, is the only rapidly growing city in America that is losing black people. The standup community has a helpful splash of diversity, but even there, out of several hundred people, we have a handful of black and hispanic comics, three trans comics (plus a couple of ill-defined genders), some gays, and 2-3 lesbian comics (including me). At church, not only do we have all sexualities and gender situations, there are a lot of people of all races (except no indigenous people that I'm aware of), there are people of every age group, every socioeconomic status, deaf, blind, disabled, and even some Republicans.

My wife and I occasionally like to do a bit of roleplaying (not the elf/chaotic-neutral/d20 kind – she's cooler than that). One time, we had a very agreeable evening together, and the next morning were still in character. I cooked us breakfast, and we prayed before our meal, which meant figuring out how to be sincere in our gratitude to God while not breaking character. Now that was hot.

Praying before our meals is another baby I've dragged out of the bathwater of my Mormon upbringing. Taking the time, particularly with your partner, to pause before devouring a meal to reflect on your gratitude for the food as well as for all of the blessings in your lives turns out to be really nice. Especially in our case, when it's her turn to pray, she is typically also thanking me for preparing the meal; in my turn I am also thanking her for growing the vegetables, herbs and sometimes chicken and/or eggs involved. Also, since instating this practice, I no longer regularly burn myself by shoveling straight-out-of-the-pan food into my mouth.

I understand being too smart for religion, but maybe give myth and metaphor a chance. What I see now is a lot of mildly but chronically depressed, vaguely nihilistic, isolated individuals whose contributions to the world and their community is “liking” and/or sharing anti- posts, articles, thoughts. How progressive. May peace/The Force be with you.